Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.
This song brings me back to when I was a little girl sitting next to my Mommy and Daddy in church. The Spirit has been singing this song in my ear this afternoon.
I can't think of anything that this song describes better, than the adoption process. It is long, tiresome, difficult, expensive, life changing, mind altering, heart racing, disappointing, and glorious. Most will tell you the hardest part is the wait. My closest friends will attest to the heartache that I experienced on so many days as God revealed a "no" to a particular baby or situation. Each time I would question myself, my family, our adoption profile.....and wonder WHY we weren't being chosen. Was is that we had 4 children? Was it that we homeschooled? Did they not like our home? Did they think we didn't make enough money? We were unattractive to them? In my heart I knew that it was purely because God had a specific child for us, but try telling my mind that! I prayed for God to close the doors that weren't meant for us, but every time He did I would be disappointed. It's human nature.
Then came Selah. This time last year I was finding out I was pregnant with her. I mouned at first, in the midst of the excitement. I cried when Stephanie at the Down Syndrome Adoption Network called to tell me about a baby girl due in August. I was losing a baby to gain one. I was over the moon happy to be pregnant and yet surprisingly sad at the same time to not be adopting. By 16 weeks I had reconciled it all and was just plain EXCITED for my baby to arrive! Then she died.
Immediately I threw myself into updating our homestudy. Out of obedience, and out of the need to stay busy and remind myself that God had a plan. We endured 4 months of someone pretending they had a baby that they wanted us to adopt. We prepared and waited for that long for a baby that did not exist. Then we waited on multiple birth families to decide that we weren't the one. I would cry each time.
In December, the holidays were here, my due date was approaching and my heart was hurting terribly. I was crying out to God to bring His plan to fruition quickly! Two years was long enough! I'm hurting Lord, hear my cries!!! I was angry at times and I would go to the basement and cry out to Him. He listened each time as I questioned Him and I'm sure He was whispering "He's coming my child....Caleb's coming." And then a few days before my due date we heard about a precious baby boy. He was already born and he had Down Syndrome. He was in California, a beautiful Asian baby, and I just KNEW this was it. God was going to do this thing....and on my due date! He was going to reconcile it all for me. Put a baby in my arms by the time Selah would have arrived.
On my due date I once again locked myself in our library in the basement and cried out in anger to my ever loving and patient Father after I received my final NO. I was just mad. He had tricked me. I was sad. He had abandoned me. It had been too long. I was tired of waiting and losing hope. I remember calling a close friend and saying "I don't think it's really going to happen".
Meanwhile, a 3 week old baby boy sat in the NICU of a hospital in Florida. God's angels were surrounding him telling him all about me. How loving is my Father to allow me to yell and scream and pout and question Him, and still give me this blessing that He had waiting for me. I heard about Caleb on January 18th, 5 days after Selah was due. He was a month old by then. My heart had LONGED for that precious baby boy with Down Syndrome. My plan was so awesome. He was going to be mine! But my Sovereign God, in all His power and goodness and knowledge said no. Of course He said no! I can see it now!!!! I'm so glad He didn't hear my pleas for that baby and give me MY way! I'm so glad He placed him in an amazing home with a beautiful family. I'm so glad He urged me to contribute to that little guys adoption fund. Mould me and make me. Yes, Lord. I'll give. I'll help this baby go somewhere else when I really want him here with me. Why? Because I trust you, even if I act like I don't. I believe in the moment I said that, that God opened the doors for Caleb to come to us.
Adoption is a journey, not just to a baby, but to the heart of God. He has moulded me and tried me and I'm a work in progress. It's so hard to be yielded and still in this process. My hope is that those going through this adoption journey will find hope knowing that God has you on a journey. His love never fails, so don't give up. His ways are higher than yours, so don't lose hope. His plan is better than yours, so trust Him through the tears.
On that Saturday morning when the agency called me and I FINALLY heard God say yes......someone else was hearing a no. Another broken heart...and her journey continued. Today God put it all together and reminded me of His perfect plan once again. It's a journey to His heart.
Please read my precious friend's post about my YES and her NO....and I hope it reminds you that His ways are higher. Much love to every one of you on this journey. May you know His heart even more.
One day, I will share her blog post with Caleb. One day he will see how desireable and precious and needed he was. And all those lies of the enemy about abandonment and being unwanted will be just that....lies. Thank you my sweet friend, for sharing your heart, your hurt, and your journey to His heart.
Also, I'd like to mention that when I met Caleb's birthmother, she looked at me and said "Your profile was amazing. I read it and was like...are these people for real?" I almost cried right then as all the feelings of the past rejections came back to me. I told her that after having so many NOs......that I was beginning to wonder if there was something seriously wrong with our family. She responded with a smile, "That's just because it was just meant for me".