Have thine own way Lord

Have Thine own way, Lord! Have Thine own way!
Thou art the Potter, I am the clay.
Mold me and make me after Thy will,
While I am waiting, yielded and still.

This song brings me back to when I was a little girl sitting next to my Mommy and Daddy in church.  The Spirit has been singing this song in my ear this afternoon.

I can't think of anything that this song describes better, than the adoption process.  It is long, tiresome, difficult, expensive, life changing, mind altering, heart racing, disappointing, and glorious.  Most will tell you the hardest part is the wait.  My closest friends will attest to the heartache that I experienced on so many days as God revealed a "no" to a particular baby or situation.  Each time I would question myself, my family, our adoption profile.....and wonder WHY we weren't being chosen.  Was is that we had 4 children?  Was it that we homeschooled?  Did they not like our home?  Did they think we didn't make enough money?  We were unattractive to them?  In my heart I knew that it was purely because God had a specific child for us, but try telling my mind that!  I prayed for God to close the doors that weren't meant for us, but every time He did I would be disappointed.  It's human nature. 

Then came Selah.  This time last year I was finding out I was pregnant with her.  I mouned at first, in the midst of the excitement.  I cried when Stephanie at the Down Syndrome Adoption Network called to tell me about a baby girl due in August.  I was losing a baby to gain one.  I was over the moon happy to be pregnant and yet surprisingly sad at the same time to not be adopting.  By 16 weeks I had reconciled it all and was just plain EXCITED for my baby to arrive!  Then she died.

Immediately I threw myself into updating our homestudy.  Out of obedience, and out of the need to stay busy and remind myself that God had a plan.  We endured 4 months of someone pretending they had a baby that they wanted us to adopt.  We prepared and waited for that long for a baby that did not exist.  Then we waited on multiple birth families to decide that we weren't the one.  I would cry each time. 

In December, the holidays were here, my due date was approaching and my heart was hurting terribly.  I was crying out to God to bring His plan to fruition quickly!  Two years was long enough!  I'm hurting Lord, hear my cries!!!  I was angry at times and I would go to the basement and cry out to Him.  He listened each time as I questioned Him and I'm sure He was whispering "He's coming my child....Caleb's coming."  And then a few days before my due date we heard about a precious baby boy.  He was already born and he had Down Syndrome.  He was in California, a beautiful Asian baby, and I just KNEW this was it.  God was going to do this thing....and on my due date!  He was going to reconcile it all for me.  Put a baby in my arms by the time Selah would have arrived. 

On my due date I once again locked myself in our library in the basement and cried out in anger to my ever loving and patient Father after I received my final NO.  I was just mad.  He had tricked me.  I was sad.  He had abandoned me.  It had been too long.  I was tired of waiting and losing hope.  I remember calling a close friend and saying "I don't think it's really going to happen". 

Meanwhile, a 3 week old baby boy sat in the NICU of a hospital in Florida.  God's angels were surrounding him telling him all about me.  How loving is my Father to allow me to yell and  scream and pout and question Him, and still give me this blessing that He had waiting for me.  I heard about Caleb on January 18th, 5 days after Selah was due.  He was a month old by then.  My heart had LONGED for that precious baby boy with Down Syndrome.  My plan was so awesome.  He was going to be mine!  But my Sovereign God, in all His power and goodness and knowledge said no.  Of course He said no!  I can see it now!!!!  I'm so glad He didn't hear my pleas for that baby and give me MY way!  I'm so glad He placed him in an amazing home with a beautiful family.  I'm so glad He urged me to contribute to that little guys adoption fund.  Mould me and make me.  Yes, Lord.  I'll give.  I'll help this baby go somewhere else when I really want him here with me.  Why?  Because I trust you, even if I act like I don't.  I believe in the moment I said that, that God opened the doors for Caleb to come to us.

Adoption is a journey, not just to a baby, but to the heart of God.  He has moulded me and tried me and I'm a work in progress.  It's so hard to be yielded and still in this process.  My hope is that those going through this adoption journey will find hope knowing that God has you on a journey.  His love never fails, so don't give up.  His ways are higher than yours, so don't lose hope.  His plan is better than yours, so trust Him through the tears. 

On that Saturday morning when the agency called me and I FINALLY heard God say yes......someone else was hearing a no.  Another broken heart...and her journey continued.  Today God put it all together and reminded me of His perfect plan once again.  It's a journey to His heart.

Please read my precious friend's post about my YES and her NO....and I hope it reminds you that His ways are higher.  Much love to every one of you on this journey.  May you know His heart even more.

www.allthingshis.com

One day, I will share her blog post with Caleb.  One day he will see how desireable and precious and needed he was.  And all those lies of the enemy about abandonment and being unwanted will be just that....lies.  Thank you my sweet friend, for sharing your heart, your hurt, and your journey to His heart.

 

 

 

Also, I'd like to mention that when I met Caleb's birthmother, she looked at me and said "Your profile was amazing.  I read it and was like...are these people for real?"  I almost cried right then as all the feelings of the past rejections came back to me.  I told her that after having so many NOs......that I was beginning to wonder if there was something seriously wrong with our family.  She responded with a smile, "That's just because it was just meant for me". 

Dear Caleb

I've held you in my arms for 45 days now.  It seems like I've known you forever.  I've been thinking and praying a lot about what the future holds for you and your sweet life.  I've been thinking about where you came from and how one day that will be important to you.  It's hard to imagine you as a 12 year old boy, like Carter is now, and yet I know from experience how soon that moment will arrive.  One day, not too far down the road, you will begin asking me questions.  Questions that will allow me to tell you the story of you. Tears immediately fill my eyes when I think of your story.  Some people will tell you that you are extra special because we chose you, but we did not.  Don't get me wrong, I would have!  You were the most beautiful little 7 pound 4 ounce bundle and I was instantly in love with you when I saw you.  However, when I went in that room on January 21st, 2013 I knew that you were indeed chosen, by God.  You were our Caleb.  Your name was ringing on our lips and in our hearts for 2 years before our eyes fell on your sweet little face. You were set apart and chosen by God long before you even began growing in your birth mother's belly.  I have loved being a mother and giving birth.  Carrying a baby for 9 months and then seeing them for the first time is one of life's most amazing blessings.  I never imagined that something could be as precious and amazing as those moments.  In 2009, a few years before you were born, God began speaking to our hearts about adoption.  He would slowly open each of our hearts one by one to the beauty awaiting us.  God taught us about our own adoption into His family through Jesus and how beautiful our story is because of Him. He taught us that His adoption story is meant to go on and on.  He taught us about unconditional love and "special" needs.  He taught us grace and sacrifice through the love of others on our journey.  He taught us to grieve in His Presence after we lost your sister Selah, and to press on when our circumstances said "Caleb's not really coming."  He taught us to cry out to Him and to hold on for dear life to His every promise.  You, my boy, are His promise.  The fullfillment of His word to us.  Your life is proof of His faithfulness and because of you I see the Lord more clearly.  Where you came from is not a mystery.  You came directly from your Father who was planning for you for a long time and just waiting on our obedience and willingness to walk in His plan.  You are my blessing because I said yes to whatever God wanted in my life.  It seems backwards to think now that at first He called us to what seemed like sacrifice.  You are not one bit a sacrifice to us.  You are perfect.  You are everything we didn't know we needed.  You make our family exactly what it is supposed to be.  You were never unwanted, never unloved, and never without hope.  God's plan for you ALWAYS WAS and from the moment of your conception, I was your Mommy and I was waiting for you with baited breath.  You spent some time alone in the hospital and my heart longs for those moments but God used that time and the virus in your tiny body to make the way for you to be ours.  It was the plan all along, and I refuse to question the God who blessed us with you.  I know you will wonder about the woman who gave birth to you and about your biological father as well.  My prayer is that you will never feel anything but love for them, as they were chosen by God to be a part of your story too, Caleb.  I have only met your birth mother.  I am very hopeful that by the time you are reading this that you know her well and that your life is a blessing to her as well as hers to yours.  Meeting her was pretty indescribable, but I will try.  We met her at the hospital in Florida where you were in the NICU in the cafeteria on a Monday morning.  She is an absolutely beautiful lady.  She has the prettiest eyes and long brown hair.  She was warm and smiled graciously. We hugged.  I wish so much to go back and be there in that moment again.  To hug her again.  I instantly liked her.  She walked us up to the NICU and we had a chance to talk for a bit while they were doing paperwork before we could acutally go in your room.  We talked about how she loved horseback riding and how she enjoys making jewelry.  She is creative, like me.  I wanted to tell her the story of you.  I couldn't though, it wasn't the time.  I wanted to tell her how long I had been praying for her, and for her heart during this time.  I wanted her to know that I loved her, even though I had only met her minutes before.  How could I convey to her the amazing move of God on her life and ours in the few minutes we had together?  I couldn't.  I didn't even try.  She went in first to hold you and then we went in after a few mintues.  She was smiling with you in her arms and there was love on her face.  Love for us, and love for you.  We told her how beautiful you were and how thankful we were to her for entrusting us with your life.  She kept thanking us.  She was so kind and so caring and sweet to us.  She made the moment perfect.  We took turns holding you for the first time and then she took a picture of us together.  You smiled.  At 5 weeks old, you smiled.  She said she thought you knew we were your parents.  I think she was right.  We said goodbye and left her there to say her goodbye to you.  My heart hurt for her and my love grew exponentially for her in that moment.  I will forever be connected to her in a way that cannot be explained.  I love her and I think about her and pray for her multiple times a day.  God chose her to carry you.  It wasn't random and I can't help but wonder what blessings the Lord has in store for her life.  I hope that God reveals Himself to her and shows her what an amazing part of His plan she is. My sweet baby, as you grow, I am praying that God helps me to convey to you the beauty of your life.  When the enemy comes againsts you with thoughts of abandonment and sorrow I am praying that you will learn over the next years how to use the armor of God to do battle and after all else, to stand firm.  I pray that you learn the Word of God so well that it comes as no surprise to you that God has some amazing, not so ordinary stories like yours.  More than anything, I pray that you come to know your Father so closely that you never doubt His love or ours.  You are my promise.  You are my love.  You are my blessing.

 

Your birthmom took this picture of us.

 

             Some of our sweet time alone while you were in the NICU.

         You have a Daddy.  He's the best....but you know that by now.

 

Loneliness and Locusts

Caleb loves music.  One of the main things that CMV causes in most cases is hearing loss.  I am so thankful that he can hear, and that he loves music.  It dawned on me that he has never heard music before, beside the loud dinging of monitors and the screams of other babies in withdrawal.  Then it dawned on me that no one has ever kissed his sweet face or held his head to bare chest so that he could hear a heartbeat. No one has oohhhed and ahhed over him.  Last night we had an amazing nurse and as she began showing us some things that the volunteers have brought for Caleb, my heart began to hurt.  We have a piece of green paper with his tiny footprint made into an ornament for the Christmas tree.  We have a crocheted red and white miniature santa hat.  We have bags of unused, unseen gifts from people with loving hearts.  But no one kissed my baby.  No one said I love you in his ear.  He's been fed and changed and even held by a few gracious volunteers.  For them I am so very thankful.  The realization that he's been here alone in a crib, in pain, with no one to LOVE him, kills me.  I can't describe what it's been doing to me inside.  I ached inside at Christmastime for Selah.  Just last week I was mourning her due date.  I was sitting at a baby shower for a dear dear friend hurting deep inside for my baby, the one in heaven and the one I knew that God had promised me.  At Christmas we had family in town and enjoyed ourselves.  Every day Cassidy and I would say to each other, I'm ready for Caleb to come.  I would cry out to God in bed at night and ask him why so long, why so hard, why this path.....why why why and when when when.  I would stare at the cradle in my bedroom and wonder if a baby would ever really use it.  For 5 weeks he's been here.  Since before I made my grocery trip for Christmas dinner and before our Little Proclamations performance.  He's been lying in a little bed, alone.  I've longed for him, and the nurses tell me he longed for me.  Each one that comes on duty says the same thing.  "I'm so very glad you are here, he's been needing you."  At first it made me feel good.  Now I just hurt.  I want the past 5 weeks back.  I want to be here for my sweet baby.  I want to kiss his face while he fights a burp and let him hear my heart beat while we sleep.  I want him to know unconditional love....and forget loneliness.  I want him to forget the rushed feedings and quick baths and know the loving touch and adoring voice of his mommy who has been wanting him SO badly for SO long.  So I struggle with loneliness.  Not so much mine, but his.  Today I was singing to him, and again the tears started hitting his little cheeks.  I burst into tears pretty much at the drop of a hat because I am overcome with emotion and love for this little boy who I had never even met 2 1/2 days ago.  Rich and I have always sung the same few songs to our babies.  One of them is "I cross my heart"...an older country song.  I tried my best a few times to get through it but it was almost useless, here's why: 

Our love is unconditional, I knew it from the start.
I see it in your eyes, you can feel it from my heart.
From here on after, let's stay the way we are right now,
and share all the love and laughter, that a lifetime will allow.
I cross my heart and promise to,
give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true,
in all the world, you'll never find,
a love as true as mine.

As I struggled to get through the song today, the Lord dropped a verse in my spirit.  And now I'm okay.

Joel 2:25
The LORD says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.  It was I who sent this great destroying army against you."

It was God's plan for Caleb to be alone for 5 weeks, because it was in that time that He would lead him to us.  And he will give it back.  I trust Him.

 

 

 

Overwhelmed!!!!!!!!!

 

 

 

 

Oh my goodness! 

 

This is really happenening!!!!!! 

 

We have really (yes REALLY!) been chosen for this precious, amazing, BEAUTIFUL baby BOY! 

 

Many of you know that for almost two years now we have been in the process of adoption, specifically Down Syndrome adoption.  Well after many closed doors, last week we heard about this precious little one with special needs who needed a home....but does NOT have Down Syndrome.  He was born with something called Congenital CMV and he is being treated with an antiviral medication via IV for the next 3 weeks in the NICU.  We prayed and PRAYED that God would direct our paths and close doors that were not ours to go through.  So when we got the call today....I think my heart stopped for a minute!  We are reminded that although we make our plans....GOD sometimes has other plans!  Our little man will have many mountains to climb and we feel so privileged to be the family God has called to give him a home.  We do not know at this time how he will be affected by the CMV long term.  CMV is a mild cold virus that most people have had...but it can wreak havoc on a pregnancy.  We will love him unconditionally and help him be what he is called to be.  He is a blessing and a treasure.  I wish I could bottle the excitement in this house this very minute!!!!!!!!!!!! 

 

Look at him!  He's ours!  I still can't wrap my mind around it!!!!

 

Introducing

 

CALEB PARKER HOWELL

 

 

The adoption fees on this little guy are high....and we are asking for your help.  If you feel led to help us, please share our story, our blog, and our AdoptTogether site.  If we can find 700 people to give only $15 each, we can bring him home, ransom paid.  If you can give more, that would be wonderful.   His fees are $21,500 but with gifts from family and what AT&T will pay for this adoption ($5000!) we only need to raise $10,500.  You can give a tax deductible donation at www.adopttogether.org/howelladoption

 

Also, we covet your prayers.  Here is how you can pray specifically for our family:

Caleb will not be able to come back to Georgia for 5 weeks.  3 weeks in the NICU and then 2 weeks of interstate compact paperwork.  Please pray for our family as Mommy is with Caleb and Daddy splits his time between the hospital (8 hours from home) and work...and takes care of the kids.  Rich's parents will thankfully be able to care for the kids most of the time.  Please pray for health for everyone.  Patience for everyone.  Pray as the kids continue to do their schoolwork while I am away.  I know the kids are going to miss their Mommy and I am SO going to miss my babies.  This is going to be hard, but part of this journey is going to be doing the hard thing.  Please pray for financial provisions.  Pray that the Ronald McDonald house has room for us.  Pray for Caleb's birthmother.  She is precious to us, and heartbroken I am sure.  Pray that we can love on her and minister to her in whatever way God shows us.  Pray that we listen when the Holy Spirit speaks and that we show love in every word and action.  Her soul, her eternal destiny, is just as important to us as Caleb's.  Caleb has a calling....and God used her to deliver him to us.  We will forever be thankful for her.

 

Thank you for your love and support the past 2 years.  The joy and tears...you've all been there.  Little did I know when Selah passed away in late July that I had a baby boy growing and waiting to call me Mommy.  I am so blessed even the nations shall know God's great favor is upon me. 

Lord, we thank you.

Purpose

All of my children have special callings on their lives. As they grow I know we will begin to see more clearly which areas to help them grow and what areas to encourage them in. Today we realized that football is NOT Landon's calling. Comedy might be more like it! When Carter was only a year and a half old, we were traveling and had stopped at a McDonalds late one night. I was waiting by the condiment counter for Rich to complete our order, when an older, grey haired black man walked in. He had a beard and wore tattered clothing. He approached me and I smiled. I thought for sure he was going to ask for some money, or possibly a hamburger or something. But instead, he gently placed his hand on my little boy's head, looked me square in the eyes and simply said, "That little boy is gonna be a preacher one day." Then he went right on about his business. Ten years later, this verse comes to mind: "And do not forget to show kindness to strangers, for by this, some who, while they were unaware, were worthy to receive angels." Hebrews 13:2 I hope my smile counted as kindness! I do not know if Carter will be called to preach, but I know God has something great for him. Same for Lily Bean. I mentioned in my Selah post that Cassidy has a special calling on her life. It's very comical to me to think back to the first few years of her life and imagine that we would be where we are now with her. She graced the world screaming at the top of her lungs, and didn't stop. She humbled me. I thought I was super mom because Carter was such an easy baby. I must have been doing everything perfectly, right? Wrong. I was frustrated for about 3 years straight. She was a mess. I was a bigger mess. I was without a doubt MISERABLE. God made her a cutie pie, because He knew how she was going to be. I'll never forget the nurses in the hospital coming in and asking if I had a good support system at home....because my baby cries A LOT. That crying turned right into a very VERY strong will. Like throwing an entire tray of food all over the food court when she was 2 because she didn't get her drink fast enough. I know some of you are thinking, "Spank that child!"....I beg you not judge lest God give you a child like this! HA! My family and friends can attest to the consistent discipline she received. Her will pushed on. I used to whisper in her ear every day as she was screaming, "We are best friends".....praying that one day it would be true. As she learned to talk and got a little bit older, we noticed that she would adamently stick up for her siblings when they were in trouble. She was very defensive and would not let anything "unfair" (in her eyes) happen. As I said before, she was horrified to learn that there were children at that children's home who did not have a family or a home. It is not fair, in her little utopian mind. She wanted to stick up for them. I was very open with her (and all the children) as we prayed and talked about the adoption. I showed them pictures of children with Down Syndrome on the internet. I was amazed at their response, especially Cassidy's. They ohhhed and ahhhhed and smiled and laughed at the silly outfits some had on. They wanted each and every one. Some of the children in other countries are in such bad shape that it takes my breath away. Some of the children with other syndromes had extreme facial deformities. I was watching Cassidy's face and when one little girl's extremely malformed face popped up, she gasped, covered her mouth....and said "Mama, I want that one. Noone else will ever want her!" Her comment exposed such ugliness in me that I was ashamed of myself. Tears welled up in my eyes and she asked me why I was crying. I had nothing to say. I didn't want to admit to her that I saw these children with different eyes than she did.  One Saturday morning, I surprised her and took her to the Special Olympics. She was in hog heaven just being there and watching all of the people playing baseball and seeing all the children with special needs. Again, I was amazed, and beginning to realize that she is different than other children. Soon after this time, a new thrift store was opening up right by our home. It is called the Pier Foundation and they employ people with special needs and help them to work in the community and learn independence. Cassidy was just dying to go when it opened. I remember wondering what on earth she was going to do in there...but as it turns out, she felt right at home. We walked in for the first time, and as I looked around at books and games, Cassidy spotted a lady in her 30's or 40's rearranging baby dolls in the toy section. She seemed to be thoroughly enjoying her work :) Cassidy asked if she could go over there and I nodded. I could hear the lady say to her, "Hi, do you like teddy bears? I love teddy bears." Cassidy said "Yes! I do! I have a whole bunch of them on my bed and I sleep with them." The lady replied with excitement, "I only have two, but I sleep with them every night too, just like you!" They went on to discuss baby dolls and TV and all sorts of things, including their names. We finished up and said goodbye. When we got in the van, Cassidy said, "Mommy, can I bring Jenny one of my teddy bears? She only has two and I have a bunch." I thought it might be awkward, but agreed that we could stop by on our way back to church that Wednesday evening. When we got home, Cassidy went in her room for about 30 minutes, and when she came out she had her favorite teddy bear from Build-a-Bear all dressed up with necklaces and a bow on its head. She asked if I minded if she gave her favorite bear away. How could I say no? How could I let awkwardness stop my little girl from doing what her heart said was the right thing to do? So on the way to church, Cassidy and I ran in really quickly to give Jenny a bear....and what happened next I will never in my life forget. Cassidy hesitantly looked around until she saw Jenny. She walked over to her and held out the bear. She said "I brought this bear for you Jenny." I don't think there are words to really describe Jenny's reaction, you just had to feel it. And boy did I feel it. She placed both hands on her heart and said "FOR ME? You're giving your teddy bear to ME?" Cassidy just nodded. Jenny took the bear in her arms and hugged it like it was the best gift she had ever received. (I am sure it's not! Jenny is very obviously very well loved and cared for) She then took Cassidy's hand, and then hugged her, and then took her hand again, and she looked her in the eyes and said "You're my friend, and I'm naming my bear Cassidy!" My heart almost exploded in that store. She hugged me too and told me that I was her friend too, and I am. As I walked out of the store with tears on my face, I remember thinking, "This is what the joy of the Lord is." No amount of money, no exotic vacation, no fancy car or diamond ring could ever make me feel that way. Since we've moved, we haven't seen Jenny for about 4 months or so. Cassidy was nervous that Jenny would forget her and was daily asking to see her, so we went by the store this morning. Suffice it to say that Jenny had not forgotten her...and they held hands the whole time. We actually had to pry them apart so that Jenny could go back to work! These are from this morning. Notice their hands.

Jenny was talking about the TLC show 19 kids and counting and asked Cassidy if she had cable.  Cassidy said no, and Jenny said "You should". 





Sweet Friends

 God has given my fiesty little girl the spirit of an advocate. 
An advocate for precious people, and friends, like Jenny.  How do I thank Him for doing something like that?



Count the cost

In March of 2011, I finally came to the conclusion that God truly was calling us to adopt.  I had been seeking the Lord diligently, reading the Word daily, and praying for wisdom.  My husband (who happens to be the most amazing, supportive, God loving, sweet, caring man I've ever met....just sayin') on the other hand...was fighting what God was doing.  How was he fighting it?  By ignoring it.  By not reading the Word, and not praying about it.  Adding another child to our home, possibly even an older child, is frightening.  I totally understood where he was coming from, and all I could do was pray.  He is the head of our home after all, it's not like I'm going to go adopt without him!  So on April 9th, 2011 I was flat on my face on our king size bed crying out to God.  "Lord, I give you my life, my marriage, my children, all my future plans, and I will do anything you ask of me.  Adoption is not what is easy or comfortable, but I am willing to do whatever you ask of me.  Please show us where to go from here.  Reveal and confirm your plan to Rich.  I can't do this on my own.  Please change his heart if this is your plan.  I feel so torn."  I then prayed the dangerous prayer! HA!  "Lord, I will do ANYTHING, I mean ANYTHING, just reveal it to Rich too please".  In that very moment, in my spirit, I heard the Lord say to me "What if that baby has Down Syndrome?"
*insert pin drop*
What?  Did I just make that up?  Down Syndrome?  Where did that come from?  Why not a baby from China, God?  Why not an orphan from that orphanage?  
I think there was a good 5 minutes before I realized He had asked me a question that required an answer.  While every bit of my flesh wanted to shout NO!.......my spirit cried out "Yes, I said anything and I mean it".  If this is the plan, please confirm it over and over again.  And Lord....uhhhhh........my husband, you're gonna have to do Your thing".
Days went by.  I had the heaviest heart.  How do you tell your husband that God told you to adopt a baby with Down Syndrome?  I asked Rich to pray because I had something to talk to him about.  It pretty much just drove him nutso.  I knew God was going to have to do a miracle.  And to be honest, I doubted it was gonna happen.  So I fasted.  Like no food in exchange for God's help.  The 3rd morning of my fast, as I was praying by myself (the kids were in school at this point), I read this:  Proverbs 20:24 "The Lord directs our steps, so why try to understand everything along the way?"  WOW!  Phew, ok good, I'll just do what He says and be a happy girl.  The next verse:  "Don't trap yourself by making a rash promise to God, and only later counting the cost." 
*crickets* 
What is the cost?  In this case, what is the cost of obedience?  To be honest, I didn't know.  I had to pray hard.  What kept coming to mind was "freedom".  I'm going to give up my freedom.  Freedom to do my own thing.  Freedom to have my husband to myself in 13 years.  Freedom to do as I please.  Freedom to enjoy the "easy life".  Freedom to make decisions based on what we want instead of what we need.  But we sing about freedom and boast about the freedom we have in Christ.  These two freedoms must be different.
2 Corinthians 3:17-18  For the Lord is Spirit and wherever the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.
So all of us who have had that veil removed can see and reflect the glory of the Lord.  And the Lord, who is the Spirit, makes us more and more like Him as we are changed into His glorious image.
***Freedom to become like Him.  The life we are living, our earthly freedoms, and our selfishness are keeping us from the freedom to be like him.
I'm struggling to put these moments into words, as they were the most life changing moments I had experienced up until this point. 
Galations 4:5
God sent Jesus to buy freedom for us who were slaves to the law, so that He could adopt us as his very own children. 
How humbling it is to think that it is so hard for me to give up my worldly freedom, when God gave up His very own Son so that I could be adopted MYSELF as His child and inherit the very freedom He is offering me.  Freedom and adoption go together.  Wow.  How amazing God is to teach me about my own adoption and freedom (true freedom) through the calling to adopt a child with special needs, therefore losing my own freedom (earthly freedom).  Most of what I'm writing is straight from my journal.  Here is the prayer I prayed that day.  Lord, thank you for helping me count the cost.  Adopting a baby with Down Syndrome will cost me and my family our freedom.  Adopting me cost you your freedom and your life.  It cost you everything, and I gained everything.  You got me in return.  All of me, all my freedom, all my preconceived notions about what my life should be like, all my hopes, my dreams, my reality.  Amen.
That night, with tear filled eyes and an anxious heart, I approached my husband.  Let's just say it didn't go well.  I was heartbroken.  He was overwhelmed.  I asked one thing of him, and he agreed.  "Let's get up and read our Bibles together again tomorrow.  Seek Him and see if He shows you these things."
At 5:30 am the next morning I was sitting on the couch hoping and praying that Rich would get up and read.  I knew it would take a long time, but as long as I knew he was seeking God, I could wait.  I can always trust him when he is seeking the Lord.  He is sensitive to the Spirit and his heart is open to Him when He speaks.  He came out of the room with Bible in hand and a grumpy look on his face.  He plopped down and began reading in the Old Testament where he had left off at the beginning of the year.  I thought, "why can't you read something in the New Testament!  You're being stubborn!"  Cause I know everything ya know.....and God needs my help.  :o)  Rich finished reading, kissed my forehead, told me he loved me tenderly and then walked out the door to work.  I was ready for the long wait.  This was a big thing, I was going to be understanding.  I was going to honor my husband and his authority.
About 4 hours later, Rich called and asked me to read Numbers chapter 13 and 14, where he had read this morning.  (also where he had left off 4 months earlier)  It is the story of Moses and Aaron, Joshua and Caleb and the land of milk and honey.  The Lord had promised the land to the Israelites after bringing them out of captivity in Egypt.  It was supposedly a great little parcel of property.  He told them to send 12 men to scout out the land, its food, trees, people, boundries, etc.  When they came back after 40 days, they told them of a beautiful land flowing with milk and honey.  It was awesome and everything God had promised.  But ten of the men were focused more on the giants that lived in the land and the fortified city walls than the promises of God.  They would not listen to Caleb when he said that they should go and take the land that the Lord had promised them.  They were afraid of losing their lives, their children, and their freedom.  The Lord was very angry with them.  He told them they would die before ever seeing the promise land and their children would inherit it instead, after wandering in the desert for 40 years. 
My humble husband said to me, "Natalie, last night you came to me and described the land of milk and honey that God has shown you for our family....and all I kept telling you was about the giants that I saw."
*******************************************************************************

I'll cut this short for now, (HAHA) but I wanted to say that this post was so hard for me to write, because God has taught me and shown me SO much about myself, Himself, and Down Syndrome since then. I am not the same girl. I do not dread losing my freedom. I have freedom in Christ and absolutely cannot wait for God's promises to come to pass. I am not afraid of Down Syndrome. I love Down Syndrome.

Here are a couple pictures straight from the land of milk and honey. 

And no, I didn't steal pictures from the net of the cutest kids in the world with Down Syndrome...I took them myself!  They are perfect and precious in every way....all 47 chromosomes of them.  Their amazing mother (through adoption) was sent straight to me from the Lord.  When describing her, I always tell people that her heart pumps the blood of Jesus.  Oh, that mine would too.  Here is her blog.  They are preparing to bring another baby home.  www.nogreatergift.blogspot.com

Selah

One day late last summer, Rich and I had the kids down at the river to play.  There was a little girl there, probably about 2 years old.  Her Daddy called to her, "Selah, come here!".  I thought, oh what a beautiful name.  When we got in the van I told Rich I had a name for a little girl if God ever blessed us with another one.  He immediately said "Selah!  I heard it too!"  A month or two later, there was a preacher at church who preached the most beautiful sermon I've ever heard.  It was titled "Selah".  Most people have heard the word, but really don't know what it means.  Selah is a little word used in scripture, mostly in the book of Psalms.  A selah is a musical pause.  A time during a song, to pause and reflect.  An interlude.  This pastor explained that we have selahs in our life as well.  In fact, our lives are like songs that the Lord has written.  There are times where we need to pause, take a moment to ponder what God has done, and look forward to what new thing He is going to do.  Sometimes a selah is the end to one chapter and the beginning of another.  An end to one thought, the beginning of a new one.
Selah Joy.  Our baby's name.  Today we found out that it is a baby girl waiting for us in heaven.  The ultrasound was wrong.  Her testing showed that she had completely "typical" or normal chromosomes of the female variety.  There is no explanation for her loss, except that it was in God's plan.  I have cried a lot today.  The heaviness of a child lost.  My arms and belly feel so empty.  But my heart is full.  As I prayed today, the Lord showed me that He had named her even before He began knitting her together in my womb.  He knew we would need to pause, reflect, and wait.  She was our Selah.  Our musical pause. Wait for what, you may ask?  Wait for what the Lord has promised.  Wait on His perfect timing.  I need to back up, so hang on. 
At the beginning of 2011, we were driving home from S. Georgia and we passed a children's home.  Cassidy inquired about it.  When I told her that children live there who do not have parents, she immediately exclaimed, "Go back!".....  "What?"  "Go back and get one!  We have room in our van!"  My heart broke in that moment and delighted at the same time.  This was the first indication of a very obvious calling on my daughter's life.  We always knew that God had a big plan for her big personality and her big strong will!  Cassidy talked for 5 hours on the way home about these children and insisted that we need to "get one". We talked about how God commands us to care for the orphans and how there are different ways that we can do that. There are workers at the orphanage, there are people who support orphans and adoptions financially, and there are families whom God calls to adopt.  I finally told her to pray about it, and see where God led us, because it wasn't as easy as just going and picking a child up. 
Cassidy prayed.  And she prayed and she prayed and she prayed.  And soon Mommy began thinking that maybe God had put this on her little girl's heart for a reason.  No way, right?  We have 4 children and we live on one salary.  We only had 4 bedrooms in our house.  I'm busy enough already.  There's just no way.  However, I know that God is beyond those things, so I half heartedly prayed, and sought His guidance.  Well don't you know that every time we would get in the van there would be a commercial on the radio about adoption.  Everywhere we went, we saw children who had obviously been adopted.  Movies would come on about adoption.  It was a little weird....so I prayed a little more.  Then one day I was preparing for a photo shoot.  It was an engagement shoot, so I had the Bible opened to the "Love" passage in Corinthians.  I was planning to photograph their rings on the Bible, using the macro (or closeup) mode on my lens.  I was focusing on Love is patient....when I focused a little too far down....and this is what I saw. 

It's hard to envision, but when I moved my focus, the word adoption was huge and in my face.  Love is adoption.  (that's another blog post)  I want a canvas of this on the wall to remind me when the road gets rough, that God has called us to this.  Over the next months, God confirmed His plan over and over again.  He even made it more specific.  Just when you get comfortable....He pushes you further.  And you grow.  Strong.  Because He exposes your weakness, your inabilities, your sinful ugly heart filled with selfishness and the world's ideas.  But in your weakness....HE is strong.  He has big plans for us.  Bigger than we can handle.  Because of this, He will get the glory when we are doing the impossible. 
He has called us to adopt.  We were right that it's not as easy as going to the orphanage to pick up a child.  The home study is rigorous, time consuming, and expensive.  But do you know that on the day I called the adoption agent, I received 3 phone calls for photo sessions! I had not been taking photo sessions at all at this point so no one ever called!  I earned $1000 toward the $1500 home study within a couple weeks just by saying yes when God provided work.  When it came time for the last payment of $500, we did not have it.  Sunday morning, Rich went up to pray at the altar and asked the Lord to provide.  While he was praying, I stepped out to use the restroom.  Our sweet friend caught me in the hall and handed me an envelope, and told me that her husband told her to give it to me.  I took it back in the sanctuary and when Rich got back from the altar we opened a check for $500.  Our God is good, and faithful.
I have so much more to share, I will have to do it in multiple blog posts.  However, as you can see, we were not expecting a pregnancy in March.  We were caught off guard, surprised, and so very excited....but a bit confused as to how this would fit in with God's plan.  Now it is a little clearer.  Our precious girl was our Selah.  She was meant to help us pause, hold a space in time, fill it with joy, and help us ponder where we've come from in the past year and a half, and look ahead to where God is taking us now.  We are ready and waiting for our newest child.  We will miss Selah, but we are so thankful for the joy she brought to our family while she was here.  She filled my every moment with joy for 4 months.  The Lord gave her the name Selah, but Mommy named her Joy.  Selah Joy.  I'll be home soon sweet baby.