Wednesday, January 23, 2013

Loneliness and Locusts

Caleb loves music.  One of the main things that CMV causes in most cases is hearing loss.  I am so thankful that he can hear, and that he loves music.  It dawned on me that he has never heard music before, beside the loud dinging of monitors and the screams of other babies in withdrawal.  Then it dawned on me that no one has ever kissed his sweet face or held his head to bare chest so that he could hear a heartbeat. No one has oohhhed and ahhed over him.  Last night we had an amazing nurse and as she began showing us some things that the volunteers have brought for Caleb, my heart began to hurt.  We have a piece of green paper with his tiny footprint made into an ornament for the Christmas tree.  We have a crocheted red and white miniature santa hat.  We have bags of unused, unseen gifts from people with loving hearts.  But no one kissed my baby.  No one said I love you in his ear.  He's been fed and changed and even held by a few gracious volunteers.  For them I am so very thankful.  The realization that he's been here alone in a crib, in pain, with no one to LOVE him, kills me.  I can't describe what it's been doing to me inside.  I ached inside at Christmastime for Selah.  Just last week I was mourning her due date.  I was sitting at a baby shower for a dear dear friend hurting deep inside for my baby, the one in heaven and the one I knew that God had promised me.  At Christmas we had family in town and enjoyed ourselves.  Every day Cassidy and I would say to each other, I'm ready for Caleb to come.  I would cry out to God in bed at night and ask him why so long, why so hard, why this path.....why why why and when when when.  I would stare at the cradle in my bedroom and wonder if a baby would ever really use it.  For 5 weeks he's been here.  Since before I made my grocery trip for Christmas dinner and before our Little Proclamations performance.  He's been lying in a little bed, alone.  I've longed for him, and the nurses tell me he longed for me.  Each one that comes on duty says the same thing.  "I'm so very glad you are here, he's been needing you."  At first it made me feel good.  Now I just hurt.  I want the past 5 weeks back.  I want to be here for my sweet baby.  I want to kiss his face while he fights a burp and let him hear my heart beat while we sleep.  I want him to know unconditional love....and forget loneliness.  I want him to forget the rushed feedings and quick baths and know the loving touch and adoring voice of his mommy who has been wanting him SO badly for SO long.  So I struggle with loneliness.  Not so much mine, but his.  Today I was singing to him, and again the tears started hitting his little cheeks.  I burst into tears pretty much at the drop of a hat because I am overcome with emotion and love for this little boy who I had never even met 2 1/2 days ago.  Rich and I have always sung the same few songs to our babies.  One of them is "I cross my heart" older country song.  I tried my best a few times to get through it but it was almost useless, here's why: 

Our love is unconditional, I knew it from the start.
I see it in your eyes, you can feel it from my heart.
From here on after, let's stay the way we are right now,
and share all the love and laughter, that a lifetime will allow.
I cross my heart and promise to,
give all I've got to give to make all your dreams come true,
in all the world, you'll never find,
a love as true as mine.

As I struggled to get through the song today, the Lord dropped a verse in my spirit.  And now I'm okay.

Joel 2:25
The LORD says, "I will give you back what you lost to the swarming locusts, the hopping locusts, the stripping locusts, and the cutting locusts.  It was I who sent this great destroying army against you."

It was God's plan for Caleb to be alone for 5 weeks, because it was in that time that He would lead him to us.  And he will give it back.  I trust Him.


1 comment:

Mrs.Sanders said...

OH my goodness sweet words cannot even begin to describe this post! Your heart is beautiful and your love for this little baby is so overwhelming! The story you will always share with him as to how God brought Him to your family will be so special. Praying for your strength as you spend time in the hospital bonding with your precious new bundle of joy! He has a mama and that makes my heart happy but the fact that you have a baby is even more to celebrate. Another baby needed to know your love! ;) Hugs mama!